Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes
home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever
had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a
hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it
was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie,
hit the ball, drag Charlie. . . "
Sent By:
Ela
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the LadiesRoom,
If one stands in front of the mirror and However, if one tells a lie,
*POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to beseen
again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in
the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "Ithink
I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before themirror and
says, "I think..." *POOF*
Sent By:
Jo Mama
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into
the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a
few
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on
the
mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh, er...I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Sent By:
Church Lady 
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes,
she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in
the
morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes
nd
they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to
expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her
neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied
excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Sent By:
Church Lady
What are the only four animals a woman needs?
A mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and
a
jackass to pay for it all.
Sent By:
Ela
You know; Lorayna bobitt died in a car accident?
some d*ck cut her off
Sent By:
bahal
What's the difference between a blonde and a
mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
Sent By:
Ela
Blonde and a Redhead were walking down the street.
The blonde noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to
pick it up.
She opened, looked in the mirror and said "Hmmm, this person looks
familiar."
The Redhead said, "Let me look!" The blonde handed her the
compact.
The Redhead looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb shit, it's
me!"
Sent By:
Ant Jomima
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the
round,
and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession
started
to pass on the street near the edge of the course. The golfer set down
his
putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the
funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter
and
returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever
seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your
concentration, just to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years."
Sent By:
Antwan
Two trees are growing in the
woods. Then one day a sapling
grows between them.
The first tree asks the other, "Hey,
is that a son of a birch, or a son of
a beech?"
The second tree replies, "I don't
know, but here comes a
woodpecker, we can ask him."
So they ask the woodpecker,
"Mr. Woodpecker, you're an
expert on trees, is that a son of a
birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker flies down and
tastes a little sap and flies back.
He says "Gentlemen, that is
neither a son of a birch nor a son
of a beech, that is the finest piece
of ash I've ever had my pecker in.
Sent By:
Johny
Woman walks into a supermarket and buy's:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says
"Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're f*cking ugly."
Sent By:
Roland
YO MAMA IS SO STUPID SHE HEARD IT WAS CILLI OUTSIDE SO SHE RAN AND GOT A BOWL
YO MAMA SO STUPID SHE TOOK A DRUG TEST
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
What did blonds left leg say to the right leg?
nothing
.....Because they never met
Sent By:
Shahin and Sepand
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Sent By:
Ela
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just
kill
herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to
miss the
vital
organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her
doctor's
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot
wound
to her left knee.
Sent By:
Joojoo
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small
pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced
that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone
network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient
Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
Sent By:
Changis
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody
did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
Sent By:
the seeker of happiness
HE SAYS - SHE SAYS
A MAN IS A PERSON WHO, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," lets her.
A WOMAN IS A PERSON WHO, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself", and he lets her, gets mad.
A MAN IS A PERSON WHO, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad
about?"
A WOMAN IS A PERSON WHO, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are
you mad about? says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
Sent By:
the seeker of happiness
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90
mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact,
I do." "f*ck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again.
"Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
Sent By:
JO
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on
a
diet. "I
want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat
this
procedure
for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least 5
pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by
loosing
nearly 20
pounds.
"Why that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you
follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though,
I
thought I was
going to
drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Sent By:
colin
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go
your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Sent By:
Ela!
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating
and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries
the
woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing,
his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes
on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past
his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is
his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard,"
says
the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around
with
no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Sent By:
Joke!
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating
at all
and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The
store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the
rows of
parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says,"With my d*ck, you dummy!"
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can
discuss
politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If
you
offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes
home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the
Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him
and
says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came
today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her
right on
the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her
breasts."
The guy says, "My God! What happened next?!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Sent By:
Tuompo
One day, two friends decided to go on a trek through
the
jungle. A few miles along on their journey, they ran across a mean
looking
poisonous snake. the two men tried to creep silently away, but before
hey
made it safely out of range, the viper lashed out and bit one of the
men
between the legs - right on his vital organ. The snake darted away,
the
man fell to the ground in pain, and his friend dashed through the
dense
jungle to try to find help. He eventually came across a village and
went to
the healer for help. "Doctor," he said. "My best friend has been
bitten by
a poisonous snake. What can I do to help him?" The healer said, "cut
two
slits around the bite and suck the poison out." Hearing this, the man
returned to see his friend. "Well, what did he say?" asked the wounded
friend. The man shook his head and said, "He said you're gonna die"
Sent By:
Ela
Here's A Puzzle for You:
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time, what is it?
a last name... Were you thinking of something else?
Sent By:
Elain
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and
we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so
she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons,
but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
Sent By:
Meningo
The local newspaper reported today, that a
semi-tractor trailor, containing a shipment
of Viagra, was stolen late, last night. The
local authorities, have been alerted to stay on
the lookout for hardened criminals!!!
Sent By:
Dr. Love
What's the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Sent By:
Dr. Love
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
to the
ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a
pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally,
at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and VERY
satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
Sent By:
Elain
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems
to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 10 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
Sent By:
Boris
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Sent By:
Jack the Rip!
Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
Sent By:
Unknown
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Sent By:
Johny
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna
hear a Polish joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke,
you
should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Polish.
The
guy
sitting next next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's
Polish.
The
fella
next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you
still
wanna
tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it
three
times!"
Sent By:
Colin
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks
and
decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter,
flashed
his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day.
Mind
if
I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.
The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the
duck's
rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a
Washington state duck.
Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter
pulled
out
his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state
hunting
license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the
bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's
an
Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The
hunter,
a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test,
and
said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon
state
hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the
hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the
ducks
back to the
hunter and said "You've got all of these licenses, just where
the
hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so
smart,
YOU tell ME!"
Sent By:
Ela
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of
a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman asked the man why he kept
painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each
day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Sent By:
Jesse
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until
he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a
shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some
instructions.
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with
the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained dog
will bite the gorilla's testicles off.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and
allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
Sent By:
Khasteh
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much,
but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never
knowing
where he was or sometimes who he was. She took him to a
nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a
nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man
started slowly
leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on
his left
side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning
to his
right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he
started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into
the
chair.
About this time,
his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and
asked,
"How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
Sent By:
Ela
your mama is so fat that the only time she sees 90210 is when she looks down at the scale.
Sent By:
Dude
a boy asks his father:how much does it cost to marry?
his father says:i dont know sun.i am still paying for it.
Sent By:
hassani
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself
to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how
the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started
shouting in
the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all,
the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the
parrot,
of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Sent By:
Ela
A man, taking his regular Sunday walk, noticed the neighbor's son
sitting in his red wagon, wearing a firefighter's helmet. The boy
had a lab pulling him, with a rope tied around the dog's testicles,
which explained why the dog moved so slowly, and carefully. The man
approached the boy, and said, "You know, son, that's a mighty fine
fire engine, you've got, but that dog would probably pull better, if
you tied the rope around his neck, instead".
"Yeah," replied the
boy,
"but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Sent By:
Ela
Yo mama's so ugly, any way you do her its still "doggie style"!
Sent By:
Shahin Shooshang
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he
saw
a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look
at
person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical
and
said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant
stamped
its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The
man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each
time
the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The
Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally
the man
could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant
could
look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the
wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around,
raised
his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around
and
stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and
with
a sound of disbelief in his voice cried "BeGabbers, He's
Right...Farty-two!""
Sent By:
Ela
Q -What do hillbillies do on halloween?
A - Pump Kin!!
Sent By:
Scooter
Your momma is so stupid that she got locked in the supermarket and starved to death.
Sent By:
Ulku Demir
Yo Momma so Ugly she strips at a bar and
people pay her to put her clothes back on.
Sent By:
Sparky
After having their 11th child, the Arkansas couple decided that was
enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he
and
his
wife
didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that
there
was
a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor
instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a
beer
can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansan said to the
doctor, "I
may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry
bomb
in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove
to
Louisiana to get a second opinion. The Louisiana physician was
just
about
to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed
that
they
were from Arkansas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and
get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear
and
count
to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong the
man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can, held the can
up
to
his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . ", at which point
he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting
on
his
other hand.
Sent By:
MeningO!
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's
fingers!!!
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes
outside.
Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line
behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Sent By:
Yo MammA!
Q:why do jews have big noses?
A:Becase the air is free.
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it
is
his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out
the
corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
parking bay and
runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts
the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he
simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the
particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster
up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The
man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie 265.00 when
all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...."
Sent By:
Boris
A chinese couple have a baby. The baby turns out to be black.
Q: What do they name him?
A:Wat Went Wong
Sent By:
Sam
why are women just pretty or just smart
Not both together ?
Because, they would me men if they got both
Sent By:
chango from munich, Germany
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft
and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the
surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran
out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in
the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil
lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and
rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda.
But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now
and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish
and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give
us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean
into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first
guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"
Sent By:
Ela
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"
together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning
her
comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky-a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE
ICE!"
Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos
cup
of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end
of
the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"
Sent By:
Ela
***SCIENCE NEWS FLASH***
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains
small
traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed
that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't
drive.
Sent By:
Ela
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some
money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a
crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a
gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at
the zoo
will
fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can
get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage
before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he
wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than
he ever
did
as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires
of just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying
more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose
the
attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls
across a
partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course,
this makes
the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a
raise for
being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion,
the
crowds
grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is
dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is
terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared
that he
begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally,
the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the
lion is
quick
and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up
at the
angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get
us both
fired?
Sent By:
Ela
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