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JOKESTAN PERSIAN JOKES - Jokestan Homepage Members
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started
bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but
was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst
to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse
did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
Thank God for heroes.
Sent By:
MeningO
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so
his father looked up the teacher. He told her that
little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid
gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money
from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The
teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she
had handled many such problems and was very capable of
taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her
how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may
have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars
that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally greed to
the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show
him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning
that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was
over."
Sent By:
MeningO
This blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she
goes
out buys a gun. She sneaks up to his apartment, flings open the
door
and sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. Needless to
say
the blonde is furious. She opens her purse and takes out the
gun,
but
as she does so she is overcome with grief. So she takes the gun
and
points it at her head. Her boyfriend yells, "No, honey don't do
it!"
To which the blonde glares back at him and says, "Shut up - -
you're
next.
Sent By:
Ela
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories in a long
time
was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of
the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."
In a business-liketone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO
YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND
IN WITH A HAMMER"?
Sent By:
Ela
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.
The teams performance soars. They win the county and state
championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk
to you about."
Sent By:
Boris
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe
CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS"!
Sent By:
KEVIN
A woman is in bed with her lover ... who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They make love for hours ... wondrous, delightful,
satisfying, exquisite, passionate love.
Afterwards, they're just laying there, each savoring the nearness of
the
other. The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she
reaches
over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and
listens,
only hearing her side of the conversation ....
She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, hi. So glad you
called.
Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific.
Great.
Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful
time
he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Sent By:
Ela
One day Little Johny went to his father, Matt and asked if he could buy him a $200 bycicle
for his birthday. Hohny's father said, 'Johny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house,a nd you want me to buy you a bycicle? Wait until Xmas'
Christmas came around , and little johny asked again.
'Well the father answered, the mortgage is still too high. Ask me some other time!'
Well about 2 weeks later , the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry
and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said 'Yesterday, I was walking past
your room , and I heard you say that you are pulling out, and mommy
said that you should was because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with
an $80,000 mortgage!'
Sent By:
Some one speacial!
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into
labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No!
This is her husband!"
Sent By:
Boris
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Sent By:
Boris
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In
high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I
found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious,
she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
Sent By:
Dave
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign
on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes
storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table,
slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time
buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years
we've been out of rye bread!"
Sent By:
Atom
Now these must be written by a man!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womens sex drive by 90%
......Wedding cake.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has had any
rest.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What Is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long
enough to build up pressure.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in law.
After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden and one of boys
asked: Whats that? Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us
out
of house and home."
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV? I said,
Dust!
Sent By:
Ela
Q: Why is Tigger always looking in the toilet?
A: He's looking for POOH!
Sent By:
pumpkins_girlie
Q:How did they now that Princess Diana didn't have dandruff?
A: Because they found her Head and Shoulders under the steering wheel?
Sent By:
Brian
A young woman went to an antique store and found a mirror she wanted. While she was purchasing it, the clerk said, "Did you know that this mirror is magical?" "No way," she replied that's nonsense!" "It's true," the clerk claimed. "any wish you demand, it will give you." "Whatever."
At home while the woman was dressing, she decided to give it a try. "Mirror mirror on my door, make my bust 44." There was a poof and her breasts grew to enormous proportions. She was excited and went to tell her husband. So the husband went in front of the mirror, crossing his fingers, and said, "Mirror, mirror on my door, make my penis touch the floor." There was a poof. . . and his legs fell off.
Sent By:
Brian
There was this brunnet and this blonde. They asked each of them to wish for
a trip to wherever they want to go. the brunett says I want to go to Paris.
The blond says I want to go to the sun. They tell her why youll fry your
butt off and melt. She says: Duhhhhh I want to ga at nite!
Sent By:
Ela
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he
asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's
idea!!"
Sent By:
Cyrus
WHAT DO HAVING SEX WITH A FAT CHICK AND RIDING A MOPAD BIKE HAVE IN COMMON?
IT'S A LOT OF FUN, UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS SEE YOU!!!!
Sent By:
cwoitesek
A hapless hobo comes to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and
raps gently on the door.
Soon, the well-dressed owner of the farm answers, "Yes, what is it ?"
The hobo begs, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I
haven't had a good meal in several days."
The farm owner sternly says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by
supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing.
However, if you go around to the back, you will see a gallon of gray
paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch at the back
of the house, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo gladly agrees and quickly goes around back. Soon
afterwards, he again knocks on the door.
The owner smiles, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The
cook will bring your meal right in."
After the hobo finishes a grand meal he turns to the farm owner and
says, "Thank you very much, sir... By the way, there's something that I
think you should know. That's not a Porche you've got back there. It's
a BMW."
Sent By:
Andrew
Why did god put women's two holes so close together?
A: So that when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack!
Or: In case you miss when you're drunk!
Sent By:
Shahin
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the
father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are
the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work
for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has
given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence I work for the Four
Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
Sent By:
Ela
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow
between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Sent By:
Ela
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says
Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time
he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf",
says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr.
Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you f*ck off, I'm
trying to take a shit!"
Sent By:
Farshad
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and
four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but
the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child
really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you
if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the
other three."
Sent By:
Farshad
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings
account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the
bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like
to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make
bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!"
laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind
of
bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure,"
said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The
little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved,
may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the
confident president.
That night, the president gotvery nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The
little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,so
I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was
quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old
lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except
I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand."
Sent By:
Ela
Three women are about to be executed by firing squad in a stereotypical
South American country. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and the
third
is a blonde. They bring up the brunette, and the guard asks if she has
any
last requests. She says no, so the guard shouts ... "Ready! ... Aim! ..."
and suddenly the brunette yells: "Earthquake!" Everyone looks behind
them
and she runs off.
So they bring up the redhead and ask if she has any last requests. She
says
no, so the guard shouts ... "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and suddenly the
redhead
yells: "Tornado!" Everybody ducks and she runs off.
Well, by then, the blonde has it figured out what to do. So they bring
her
up and she is asked if she has any last requests. She says no, so the
guard shouts ... "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and suddenly the blonde yells:
"Fire!"
Sent By:
Ela
Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye.
His father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to
tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her
dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to
women."
Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the
other eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a
talk!"
"But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we
were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in
front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was
sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I
know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Sent By:
Ela
An elderly Iranian lady went to the Doctors office. For her checkup she was required to have a urine test. She urinated in the cup and left it on the tray. When the nurse was moving it, she accidentally spilled it. The nurse quickly went to the restroom and replaced the sample, so that no one would know of her error. When the results of the test came back, the elderly woman was congradulated on her positive pregnacy test. She replied, "damm, you cannot even trust the carrots these days!". (could substitue the word carrot with eggplant, or cucumber, or banana).
Sent By:
Rita
HUSBAND COMES HOME AND TELLS THE WIFE..HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY. NAME A PRESENT AND ITS YOURS. HOW'S ABOUT A DIAMOND RING? NO, DONT WANT NO DIAMOND RING SAYS THE WIFE. O.K. SAYS HUBBY.. HOW'S ABOUT A FUR COAT. NO, DONT WANT NO FUR COAT EITHER SAYS THE WIFE. GEE HON, YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT SAYS THE HUSBAND, JUST PICK SOMETHIN. YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT SAYS THE WIFE, I WANT A DIVORCE. A DIVORCE? SAYS THE HUSBAND, SHIT BABE, I WASN'T PLANNIN ON SPENDING THAT MUCH.
Sent By:
BEN
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day he sees a speck on the horizon.
He thinks to himself, its not a ship.
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks "its not a boat"
The speck gets closer and he says "its not a raft."
Then out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette"
"Ten years" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve
and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one lights it and says "Man oh man, is that good"
Then she asked him how long its been since he had a drink of Whiskey?
He replies "ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a cask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says "Wow that's fantastic."
Then she begins to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL FUN"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
Sent By:
Farshad
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have
any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother
in Poland !!!! "
To that the man asks "Anything"??
And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says
"Follow me" ..He walks into the next room and tells her
"Come in and close the
door"..She does!!
He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says
take
down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take
it
out"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both
hands!!
The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...
She brings her mouth closer to it,
and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO,
MOM"????
Sent By:
Ela
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen
and Lars to come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said
"Yaa,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his ass and said
"No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of
>strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and
said "Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said
"No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Olaf had two
assholes."
"What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town
knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town
everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two assholes!"
Sent By:
Farshad
What does a beetle and a blonde have in common?
When they are on their backs, they're f*cked!!
Sent By:
Lindsay Holmes (Townsville)
A GUY IS AT HOME TRYING TO TAKE A PEACEFUL SUNDAY AFTERNOON NAP WHEN HE HEARS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. HE OPENS IT AND FINDS A SNAIL AT HIS FEET. "HELLO, I'M GOING DOOR TO DOOR WITH AN AMAZING OFFER " SAYS THE SNAIL. THE HOMEOWNER HATES SALESGUYS, SLAMS THE DOOR IN THE SNAIL'S FACE..AND SENDS THE SNAIL FLYING ACROSS THE STREET. YEARS GO BY. THE HOMEOWNER HEARS ANOTHER KNOCK ON A SUNDAY. OPENS THE DOOR.. AND ITS THE SAME SNAIL WHO LOOKS UP AND SAYS, "WHAT THE f*ck WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"
Sent By:
BEN
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her
whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all
kinds of obscenities,
always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In
desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot
problem to the pet shop
proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't
have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this
female owl until the
female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her
parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the
owl. He glared at it. That
night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to
bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard
the parrot screech and
she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!
Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo?
Whoo?
And the
parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
Sent By:
JO
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled
in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out
before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably
look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the
car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon"
he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very
wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question
and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are
the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is
'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger,
who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart,
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was
brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through
her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding
the audience of the previous days? events, faced Jane and asked the
big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the
male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said
nervously. "Very good. ? Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the
tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"
Sent By:
Ela
Q: What's the difference between Michagan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do when they get in a bowl!
Sent By:
Heather
One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O' Honey, so he took Mary Jane
behind the Power House on the corner of Clark and Fifth Ave. He began to
feel her Mounds, that was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll.
He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Juicy Fruit and
caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh Henry as she squeezed his Peter
Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane Said: "You are even better than the Three
Musketeers." Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby
Ruth.
Sent By:
Zia
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it
considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they
still
grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown
away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating
an
endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will
clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is
he
still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain
silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Sent By:
Ela
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man
gets in who's perfect: 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The
bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off
on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Sent By:
Mark
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it
was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the
other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder
still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon
his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow,
that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it,
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
Sent By:
Ela
A little boy named Billy had gotten sent home from school because his
teacher
said that he didn't know the difference between the sexes and it was
really
disrupting classes.
So when he got home, his mom was pretty frustrated because it had been
the
third time this month that he had been sent home so far. So she thought
to
herself, "well I guess I'm going to have to be the one to teach him the
difference."
So she said, "Billy come upstairs with me."
Once they were upstairs she said, "Now Billy, take off my shoes." And
Billy
took off her shoes.
Then she said, "Billy, now unbutton my blouse." And so he unbuttoned
her
blouse and then took it off.
Then she said, "Billy, take off my skirt." And so he did.
Then she said, "Billy, take off my underwear." and so he did that, too.
Then she said, "Now don't ever wear those to school again."
Sent By:
Jordan
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three
wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.">
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Sent By:
Jordan
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years
with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees
for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this
legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and
discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She
watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display
of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered
herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up
to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she
screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied,
"Always check for squirrels."
Sent By:
Ela
There was a Brunette standing along side a busy road
chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a Blonde came up to her and
said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The Brunette said sure so
the Blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the Brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more
fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the Blonde
said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88"
BAM! she was run over by a car, completly flattened. Along
the side of the road, the Brunette began to chant again , "89, 89, 89,
89..."
Sent By:
Ela
What do you call a gay man sitting next to his bisexual ex-wife,his lesbian mother, his transexual father, and his brother the KKK leader?
The Jerry Springer Show
Sent By:
Milhouse at SIU
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama
is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a
feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise
their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've
ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to
a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever
touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses,
takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to
come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins
to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost.
The student replies, "Ghost?!?"
"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"
Sent By:
Ela
The Cannibal King and his son were hunting for food in the jungle. They
soon came upon a small waterfall, under which a beautiful young woman
was bathing. Her
lithe body glistened in the sun. Her curves hugged the droplets of water
that splashed upon her lovely skin.
Watching her hungrily, the son whispered, "Great Pop, we finally found
breakfast. I'm starved."
But the Cannibal King said, "We will not eat her, my son."
"You've gotta be kidding, Pop," said the son. "our bellies are empty!"
"No, we will not eat her," repeated the Cannibal King. "I will crawl up
to her silently and when I capture her, we'll go home and eat your
mother!"
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Sent By:
Zia
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the
counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me
that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it
on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the
same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat
food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it
back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to
see.
"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approches the clerk
and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the
cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy
"It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the
customer replied
"THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
Sent By:
Jon
Did you hear about the 90 year old flasher
who wandered into the Flower Show?
He won the prize for best dried arrangement.
Sent By:
Undknown
A young man with spiked pink, green and purple hair walks into a bar.
He notices an older man staring at him.
Feeling insulted, he walks up to the older man and says,
" What in the hell are you looking at?
Haven't you ever done anything exciting at all in your life?"
To which the older man replies,
"I once had sex with a peacock,
and I was simply checking to see if you were my son!"
Sent By:
Andy
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big
shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party. So she asked her husband to run down to
the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water
just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself,
"Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me." He went
back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the
beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at
her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It
got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out. At
seven o"clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed," Oh no!!! My wife's
dinner party!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed
his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all up and down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails, now
crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife, and then back to the
snails, and yelled: "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Sent By:
Jon
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. The natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first, in this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine.
Sent By:
Cyrus
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to
God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to
write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up, and decided to
send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to
a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to
write a thank-you letter to God which reads as follows: Dear God, Thank
you so very much for
sending me the money. I noticed you sent it through Washington. As usual
those bastards deducted $95 as tax.
Sent By:
Razor
These two kids were getting ready for school. The older one looks at the
younger one and says, "It's about time we learn how to swear around
here! When we go
downstairs, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell." So they go down to the
kitchen where mom is fixing breakfast. She says, "good morning boys.
What'll you like for
breakfast?" The older one looks over at the younger one and winks and
says in his most fierce voice, "OH HELL, JUST GIMME SOME CHERRIOS!"
Well, she
slapped the hell out of him and he went upstairs just squalling. Mom
looks over at the younger one and says, "so? What do YOU want for
breakfast!" He looks up
at her and says, "I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be
Cherrios!"
Sent By:
Little johny!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say
the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come
once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."
Sent By:
Dave
What do you call an Amish man with his arm half way up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
Sent By:
Rob
A husband came home and told his wife his wallet was stolen. She
remindeed him to cancel the credit cards.
A few weeks later she noticed some recent charges. She asked why he
didn't cancel the credit card. The man said "Why honey, he doesn't spend
as much as you!"
Sent By:
Rob
Mike returns from a trip with the guys.
His wife says, "How was the fishing?"
mike says, "Great. By the way, you forgot to pack my shaving cream and
my deodorant."
She says, "No, I didn't. They were in your tackle box."
Sent By:
Rob
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery sack?
One is made out of plastic and is dangerous to little kids, the other is
meant to carry groceries.
Sent By:
Rob
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less
responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some
serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic,
something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college,
would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered
with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest
engines and be able to compete with the younger work force,
he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical
institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty
much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely
strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some
trepidation he took on the
task.
At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors
for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades
were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible
to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it really
quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the
engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an
additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
Sent By:
Matt
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat
lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with
the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice
and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that
he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the
table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went
to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He
shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but
ripe
as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin
and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised
his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving,
and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a
while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a
real
blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table
rattled
and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this
for
the
next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When
he
heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture
of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold
and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party
Sent By:
Matt
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom!
I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful
girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After
dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look
at
your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a
wonderful
wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later
he
came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting
married
in June. Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
about this." George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,"
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half
sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention
to
what he says. He's not really your father."
Sent By:
Dave
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She
returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. She approached one
of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
Sent By:
Dave
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not
to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on
his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought
it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and
happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then, a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated
the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and
promptly ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you're happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Sent By:
Kip
There's a big conference of all the beer producers around the country. At
the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to
have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the
president of 'Coors' orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress
asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much
to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a
Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. That's okay. If you guys don't want
to drink beer, then neither will I."
Sent By:
Nick
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan
Arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair
by
the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for
many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Sent By:
Dave
a guy carrying a cage with a monkey inside gets on a train. there s only one other passanger arouund and they soon introduce each other and start chatting away. one hour or so later the guy opens his cage , grabs the monkey, puts it on his knees and slaps it in the head vigorouly .the trained monkey unzips his pants , grabs his d*ck and gives him a great blowjob. he then puts the monkey back into the cage. a couple of hours later he repeats the operation: another couple of slaps and another blowjob. later on seeing his fellow traveler looking a bit bored he says / we are still way away from your destination so if you d like to try yourself please go ahead , you ve seen how it works/ and the other guy replies / i d be sure glad to try but please go easy on me ok/
Sent By:
andy
Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and John F. Kennedy
were on a cruise in the Carribean. Suddenly, the
ship sprang a leak and water started to pour in.
"Women and chidren first! Women and children first!"
Jimmy Carter cried.
"f*ck the women and children!" Ronald Reagan barked.
J.F.K. Jr. said, "Is there time?"
Sent By:
Brian
"My golfing partner just ran away with my wife."
"Don't worry, you'll find someone else."
"Not someone I can beat all the time."
Sent By:
Brian
A policeman frantically caught up with a '47 Chevy.
"Sir" the policeman said to the elderly man. "Didnt you
know that your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?"
The elderly man sighed with relief. "Thank goodness.
I thought i was going deaf."
Sent By:
Brian
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a
paperboy with a shovel."
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also
charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me
right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now,
but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
Sent By:
Kevin
Down in Louisiana an old man, sitting on his front porch, rocking, watching
the sunrise, sees a young boy walking on down the road, carrying something
big under his arm.
The old man yells out: "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
The young boy yells back: "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says: "What'cha gonna do with that?"
The young boy says: "Catch me some chickens."
The old man laughs: "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The young boy just smiles and keeps on walking on down the road.
That evening, at sunset, the young boy comes walking back up the road.
To the old man's surprise, the boy is dragging behind him the chicken wire
with about 30 cackling chickens caught in it.
The next morning the old man is rocking away on his porch, watching
the sunrise, when he sees the young boy walk by carrying something round in
his hand.
The old man yells out: "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
The young boy yells back: "Got a roll of duck tape."
The old man asks: "What'cha gonna do with that?"
The young boy answers: "Catch me some ducks."
The old man laughs: "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The young boy just smiles and keeps on walking on down the road.
That evening, at sunset, the young boy comes walking back up the road.
To the old man's surprise, the boy is dragging behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 squawking ducks caught in it.
The next morning the old man is rocking away on his porch, watching
the sunrise, when he sees the young boy walk by carrying what looks like a
long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man yells out: "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
The young boy yells back: "It's a p**sy willow."
The old man smiles: "Wait a second boy, while I get my hat!"
Sent By:
Andrew
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying
"T-G-I-F (letters only)".
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T (letters only)".
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday; get it?".
The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".
Sent By:
Dave
Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?
Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big.
Sent By:
Mark
A blonde is tired of all the dumb blonde jokes, so she dies her hair
black. Then one day she drives past a farm and sees a farmer with his
flock of sheep.
She stops and says to the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep you
have, will you let me have one?"
The farmer says, "Sure".
She says, "112."
The farmer says, "That's incredible. You're exactly right."
As the girl is putting her prize in her backseat, the farmer says,
"Hey...if I can guess what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog
back?"
Sent By:
Dave
A man gets a Flat tire outside a Mental Institutional Hospital. He takes
the hubcap off, and then the lug nuts. He then places the lug nuts
inside the hubcap. As he
puts the spare tire on, he accidentally knocks over the hubcap, spilling
the lug nuts out of the hubcap. Unfortunately the lug nuts roll down
into the sewer. He doesn't
know what to do!! A Woman yelling from a window at the Mental
Institution says, "Why don't you take one lug nut off each of the other
three tires, put on the
spare. And then go to a Garage, and replace the one's that are
missing!!" The man says,"Hey, great idea!! What the hell are you doing
in a Mental Institution!!?" The
Woman from the Hospital replies, " I'm crazy!!!, Not STUPID!"
Sent By:
Nicki
A dumb blonde was concerned that everybody thought she was a dumb
blonde.
She wanted to prove to everybody she wasn't a dumb blonde so a friend of
her's
suggested she learn all the capitals of all the states. So she locked
herself away for weeks studying all the capitals. After those two weeks
she
goes to a party where somebody tells her she's nothing but a dumb
blonde.
She says, "Oh, yeah! I know all the capitals of all the states."
He says, "OK, I'll test you.... Montana."
She replies, "Ha!!!! That's an easy one..... 'M'!"
Sent By:
Matt
A fellow was walking along the beach and he saw an interesting
looking old bottle. Thinking there might be a note in it, he picked it
up and took the lid off. Wow, a genie came out of the bottle, but he
was all bent up and creaking, and complaining about how many thousands
of years he'd been stuck in that bottle. Finally he said he was just
too out of shape to give three wishes, but he'd give the man one wish.
"Great, wonderful. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm
scared to fly. But I love to drive. I want you to build me a highway to
Hawaii."
"Hey, give me a break man. That's hard, and I told you I'm not in
very good shape. Give me an easy one," said the genie.
"Well, okay," said the man. "I want you to explain to me how women
think."
... "You want two lanes, or four?"
Sent By:
Farshad
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you,
sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically,
if
a
bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is
being
exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you
aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD.. . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
Sent By:
Matt
10 Notes on Dieting
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you
eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy
bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't
count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then
you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. e.g. milk duds, buttered popcorn,
junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process
of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The
refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their
way into
the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing
something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g.
peanut
butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.
10.Food of the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream,
mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
Sent By:
Nicki
What's the difference between a
girlfriend and a wife?=
About 45=
lbs.
What's the difference
between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 45
minutes.
One sperm says
to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The
other sperm
says,
"Relax, we just went by the tonsils."
What is it when a man talks nasty to
a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a
man?
$3.99 a minute.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
Its
not real bright, but
its cheap
and spreads easy.
How can you tell if
your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the
dishes
pile up.
How
can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you
get
the remote.
What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and
O.J.?
It only took
12 jerks
to get O.J. off.
How do we know God is
a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would
taste
like
chocolate.
If the dove is the bird of peach, what is the bird of true
love?
The
swallow.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme
Dumpme
Sent By:
Farshad
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line
behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes
outside.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples!
Sent By:
Jo Mamma
One day a little boy asked his mother how old she is and
she told him that little boys didn't ask ladies how old they
were. Some time later the little boy asked his mother how
much she weighed and she told him that little boys didn't
ask ladies how much they weighed.
The little boy then asked his mother why she and his daddy
had gotten a divorce. The Mother told him that little boys
didn't ask ladies personal questions like that. Later that day
the little boy was playing with a friend and told the friend that
his mother wouldn't tell him how old she was or how much
she weighed or anything.
His friend told him that all he had to do was look on his
mother's driver's licence and he could find out any thing he
wanted to know. So the little boy went home and looked on
his mother's driver's licence and then went and told his
mother he knew how old she was and told her she was 30
years old. Then he told her that he knew how much she
weighed and told her she weighed 125 pounds. Then he
told her he knew why she had gotten a divorce and told her
it was because she had gotten an F in sex.
Sent By:
Mark
Bob rents an apartment, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the
group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bob smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with
him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she
has
nothing on under the robe. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his
arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He follows her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she
leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs
at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these tits! They are full,
don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and
has
no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in
heaven's
name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers - "Outside when you said
you heard someone coming - That was me!!!"
Sent By:
FARSHAD
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
mother
asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to
let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and
sends her
the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking
him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried
when he realizes that he
sent the wrong part, but then remembers
how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't
notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes
your nose
look long."
Sent By:
FARSHAD
One day the different parts of the body were having
an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of
you know where we are, so I'm the most important and
I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to
pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy
for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm
the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be
in charge."
Then the asshole said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in
charge."
So the asshole closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the
stomach was all queesy, the hands were all shaky, the
eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of
this and agreed to put the asshole in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge,
just an asshole.
Sent By:
FARSHAD
Three guys were riding in their truck down the road, drinking beer,
having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the
flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We'll
get a DWI." "No, no," the driver says, "just do this: Pull your
labels off of your beer bottles and stick 'em to your forehead and let
me do the talking."
So they all pull their labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to
their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road.
Have you been drinking?"
The driver says, "No officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on
the patch, trying to quit."
Sent By:
DAVE
There's these three guys out having a relaxing day fishing,
when out of the blue, one of them snags a bottle. Thinking
there might be a note or something in it, they pull out the
cork, and poof, out pops a genie.
He is so gratefull for being freed, he offers to grant each of
them one wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it and says, "Ok,
if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The genie claps his hands, there is a flash of lightning, and
a clap of thunder, and suddenly, the guy starts reciting
Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the genie, "Triple
my IQ."
Once again the Genie claps his hands, there is a flash of
lightning and a clap of thunder, and the guy starts to spout
out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have
been stumping all the scientists of varying fields; Physics,
Chemistry, etc...
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,
without even thinking twice about it, he says to the genie,
"Quintuple my IQ."
The genie looks at him and says, "You know, I normally
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish,
but I really wish you'd reconsider on this one."
The guy says, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ
times five, and you have to do it because we set you free."
"Please," says the genie, "you don't know what you're
asking for... it'll change your entire view on the universe.
Won't you ask for something else? A million dollars...
anything."
But no matter what the genie said the guy insisted on
having his IQ increased by five times it's usual power,
so the genie sighed and clapped his hands once more.
This time there was a blinding flash of lightning, and a
deafening clap of thunder...
And he became a Woman.
Sent By:
Farshad
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up
and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us
southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little
bastard sitting on your knee!"
Sent By:
Farshad
Your dog's barking at the back door.
Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Sent By:
Farshad
A group of American buissnes-people go to Spain. They go to Valencia and they see they grow oranges. They asked what do they do with the oranges, to this the Spaniards say they peel, suck their juice, they make candy, and other eating stuff. To this the Americans asked what did they do with the skins. The Spaniards replied they trashed them. The Ameicans said, we have this machine that turns the skins into vitamin C pills and then we sell them to you!
The Americans go to another Spanish province, where they asked about the eggs. The Spaniards said, they prepared omelets, and other eating goods and trash the shell. The Americans said we have this machine that turns the shells into Calcium pill and we sell them to you..
The Spaniards were upset, so before the Americans got to another province they alerted everyone. The Ameicans arrived in Barcelona and before they got off the plane the Spanish business-person asked if they made a lot of condoms in the US, to this he said yes, that it was a good business and they made millions. The Spanish guy asked what do they do with them after use and the American answerd they throw them away. The Spaniard said to this, well guess what, we have this machine here that converts those condoms to chewing gum and we sell them to you!!!!!!!!!
Sent By:
OLE
Why Men Should Be Built By FUJI
(Camera Manufacturer)
- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used;
- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot;
- They last longer and come with a warranty;
- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and
return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle;
- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it;
- They come in fashion colors;
- You can keep them in maximum zoom;
- They come with replacable or adjustable parts;
- The parts that counts are portable;
- They don't mind over-exposure;
- They respond to the slightest touch;
- The one you want is available at a KMART near you;
Sent By:
Farshad
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't
carry
it."
The duck says, "Okay" and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck
feed?"
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've
never
had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again,
I'll
nail your feet to the floor."
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No," says the clerk.
"Got any duck feed?"
Sent By:
Farshad
Top Ten Mike Tyson Jokes:
10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt.
Winner eats all.
9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch".
8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?"
Holyfield: "What?"
7. Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled.
6. What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"
5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
4. Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee.
To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."
3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears.
Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III:
The Third Gogh Around
Dahmer vs. Psalmer
The Last Supper
Ear-Reconcilable Differences
Grazing Bull
You Wanna Piece of Me?
Blood, Sweat and Ears
No Lobe Lost
Bite of the Century
Because we were all stupid enough to pay for it!
1. When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were that
"it tasted like CHICKEN."
Sent By:
Farshad
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked
them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher
again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up
word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during
the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit!"
Sent By:
Farshad
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce.
The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea,
I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said,
"Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said "Yea, I got
about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand.
Do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have
a Case, but I have a John Deer." The attorney said, "You don't
understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,
"Yea. I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deer." The
attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer
said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The
attorney said, "Well does your wife beat you up or
anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about
4:30." The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or
anything?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but
our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this
dayvorce."
Sent By:
Debra
Question: what is 6.9?
Answer: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Sent By:
Leah
There was a White man, a black man, and a chinese man and they all were going for a train ride. But there was only one train car left and there was a woman who wanted to ride to, so they all decided that they would share the train car. The first night the white man slept with the woman, the black man slept on the rug, and the chinese man slept in the bathtub. Well, in the middle of the night the white man decided he was gonna try and get some, but when he tried his d*ck got stuck. So the woman cut it off put in a jar and threw the white man out the window. The next night the black man slept in the bed and the chinese man slept on the rug. In the middle of the night the black man decided he was gonna try and get some but his d*ck got stuck. So the woman cut his d*ck off and threw him out the window. The next night the chinese man slept with the woman and in the middle of the night he tried to get some and it worked, the woman asked how he did it and the other two didn't he said 'Me chinese, me do
trick, me put lotion on me d*ck.'
Sent By:
Debra
The sky was dark
the moon was high,
all alone,
just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what
she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
down her spine.
I didn't know how
but I tried my best,
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came,
At last its finished
It's all over now,
My first time ever,
at milking a cow.
Sent By:
Debra
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then
donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor
was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this,
because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She
was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he
did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
Sent By:
Farshad
A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls
him over.
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 80.
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months.
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch! Shut your damn mouth!
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Sent By:
Farshad
Q: What did Mike Tyson say after he bit off a piece of Holyfields ear??
A: Hmm"Tastes like Chicken"
Sent By:
Fred H.
can you tell what goes to a grasshoper's head when it bumps into
a car goin 100 km per hour?
its ass!!
Sent By:
Joe
there were three women , a blonde a brunette and a red head in a swimming contest, the event was the breast stroke. coming in 1st place was the brunette, 2nd was the red head. and after a long wait finally the blonde came swimming up . when she reached the other girls she said , you guys cheated you used your hands..
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
what is the name of blondy with colored hair?
artificial intelligence
Sent By:
abdull
WHEN THE BODY WAS FIRST MADE, ALL ITS
PARTS
WANTED TO BE BOSS...
THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I
should be the boss.
THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him
to
do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.
THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the
money
to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.
THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you
where danger lurks, I should be boss.
And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs. Finally
the
Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other
parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused
to
function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached,
the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side,
the
Heart
and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss,
and so it happened. All parts did the work and the Asshole just
bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole.
Sent By:
Matt
There were this guy from Arkansas named Jethro
walking
down the road one day
'til he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how
many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."
Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in
this bag I'll give you BOTH of them"
Jethro: "uhhh...5"
Billy Joe: "Nope"
Sent By:
Matt
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns
and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the macine keeps feedin
out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blond and watches her antics
for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a
go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face : "Can't you see I'm
winning"
Sent By:
Farshad
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she
was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other
men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back
to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head
with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
Sent By:
Farshad
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old
ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Sent By:
Farshad
A man was hitchhiking and a truck
driver stopped to pick him up.
As they were driving through town,
the truck driver ran a red light.
The hitchhiker said, "Did you realize
that you ran that red light?" The truck
driver said, "Of course, me and my brother
do it all the time." The hitchhiker said
ok but was a little concerned. They had
driven a little further when the truck
driver ran another red light. "Did you
realize you ran another red light?" said
the hitchhiker. The truck driver replied,
"No problem, me an my brother do it all
the time." At the next light, the truck
driver stopped. The hitchhiker said, "The
light is green, you can go now." The truck
driver said, "Are you kidding! My brother
might be coming the other way!"
Sent By:
Kit
What does a blonde say after sex?
Are all you guys on the same team?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
3 - 1 to change the bulb and two to screw me.
What is red and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry
What do you call a blonde bird?
A swallow
Sent By:
Spami
What do Blondes and the B. Triangle have in common?
The swallow a lot of sea-men.
Sent By:
Spami
WHY DO BLONDES WEAR HOOP EARRINGS?
THEY NEED A PLACE TO REST THEIR LEGS!
Sent By:
MARYLIN MANSON
What does a blond and a door have in comon?
The more you bang it the losser it gets.
Sent By:
Josh Adma
why is six afraid of seven
because seven ate nine
Sent By:
kerzo
This guy is on an airplane and he has to go to the
bathroom really bad, so he asks the flight attendent
where the bathroom is. She tells him that there is
already a line waiting to get in the men's bathroom.
So the guy says well I really, really, gotta' go!
So the flight attendent says "okay" you can use the
women's bathroom but don't push any buttons. So the
guy go's in the bathroom and he's takin' care of
business and looks up and see's these three buttons
one has the letters "ww", the next "p", and the last "atr".
So the guy goes ahead and presses the button that has
the "ww" on it and warm water comes out and rinses
him off, then, he presses the button that has the
"p" on it and powder comes out and powders him off.
So he thought man the girls got it good so he pressed
the button with the "atr" on and all of the sudden
he blacked out!
The guy woke up in the hospital and ask the nurse
what had happened to him, and she said you pressed
the buttons in the women's bathroom. It was pretty nice
the guy said but what did the last button stand
for? The nurse looked down at him and said"Automatic
Tampon Remover!"
Sent By:
Wendy
here's this guy Leroy, and he wakes up in the morning and he just
can't help thinking, " Damn... I feels GOOD!" Without even a glance
in the mirror he goes out.
He's walking down the street and sees a friend from work. He stops
Leroy and says "Damn Leroy, you look horrible. You should go home."
Leroy, utterly confused, responds: "But I feels so GOOD." He keeps on
and sees an aunt of his and his aunt swears he should go to the doctor.
Thinking on this he wonders if there might be something strange that
makes you feel "Oh So GOOD" but makes you look "Oh so BAD."
Leroy arrives at the doctors, and he checks everything. I mean the poor
guy doesn't have a thing wrong with him. But the doctor agrees; Leroy's
looking really damn UGLY. The doctor sits for a while, "Hmmm... looks bad,
feels good. Hmm...Leroy." the doctor says, "I've got it!" Leroy starts
jumping up and down... "What is it doc? Why do I feels so good but looks
so bad?"
The doctor exclaims "It's obvious! Looks Bad, feels GOOD... Leroy you're
a VAGINA."
Sent By:
Adishor
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear
view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck,"
and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He
leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just
want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I
thought that *you* were the officer and that you were trying to give her
back to me!"
Sent By:
Farshad
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops &
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized
and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
Sent By:
Farshad
There were these two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened John's wife died the same day Joe's
boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking Joe
for John, stated "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel just
terrible." Joe, thinkingshe was talking about the boat said, "Hell no.
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from
the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always losing
water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front,
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but
they wanted to use her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get in her at
once and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted!
Sent By:
Farshad
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.
The bartender asks where did you get that!
The parrot answers," Africa, there's thousands of them!".
Sent By:
That guy from Washington!
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his
hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was
getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster
couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock
from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got
to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So
you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot
stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not
ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the better bird,
and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house.
We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets
to have all the hensfor himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great,
I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all
the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start
cheering the roosters on. After the first lap,
the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap,
the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging
in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into
the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox
or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the
young roosters chasing after the old rooster.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young
rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month."
Sent By:
Farshad
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf
course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light
on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer
magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to
investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a
magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look
like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
Sent By:
Farshad
The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that
if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he
said.
"Yes", she responded "So what?"
"I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.
Sent By:
Farshad
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to
order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom,
then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her
composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again
the man thouroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Sent By:
Farshad
Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:You don't, cause' it won't come anyway.
Q:What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef!
Q:What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A:A night crawler!
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the
other,
"There is no toilet paper over here--do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."
The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"
The second man says, "No, sorry!"
The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"
Sent By:
UNKNOWN
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....
After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and
calls
a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will
instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the
pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the
woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and
loads
them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the
mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the
horn."
Sent By:
dale
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their
horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they
would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic
herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great
variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced
the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,
lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored
lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy
and
Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the
children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em
out,
you guys, they're assholes!"
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was
caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind (farting) nearly every
morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
smell
would cause her eyes to = water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged
him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it
and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out"
until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went
downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes,
gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve
her
husband's
problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent
husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back
the
covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She
then
placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them
up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing
the
family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the
upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear
up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit
her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the
matter.
He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned
me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts
out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace
of
God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in."
Sent By:
Farshad
3 guys are scheduled to go
up in space for 7 years.
NASA told them they each have
100 pounds allotted for them,
and that they can bring 100 pounds
of one thing that will make them
happy for those 7 long lonely years.
Guy #1 asks for 100 pounds of books.
He really wants to learn everything
possible while he is away.
Guy #2 asks for a 100 pound woman,
for obvious reasons.
Guy #3 is so
addicted to smoking that he asks for
100 pounds of cigarrettes. Well, they
blast off into space and are gone for
seven years.
On the seventh year they
land back on Earth and Guy #1 steps out
of the ship and is such a genius, he puts
Albert Einstien to shame.
Guy #2 stepsd
out of the ship with the woman and their
seven beautiful children.
Guy #3 step out
of the ship with a cigarrette in his mouth
and says "Anyone gotta light?"
Sent By:
David Miles Viers
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