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JOKESTAN PERSIAN JOKES - Jokestan Homepage Members
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
Sent By:
Farshad
Andy and Pete were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two
attractive ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap,
lake,
and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on
through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, Andy said: "I think I'll walk up
there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked up the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around,
and came back, explaining: "I can't do it. One of those women is my
wife and
the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
So Pete took off toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as Andy
had
done, stopped, turned around, and walked back. In reply to Andy's
quizzical look he said only: "Small world."
Sent By:
Farshad
#1
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad
can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy,
can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy
starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy!
This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
#2
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
#3
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*cking beautiful!'"
#4
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by
his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a
man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran
into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
#5
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless,was
playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started
swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in
his temper. His father caught him trampling the HONEYbees, and after
a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one
month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some BUTTERflies, and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter
for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy
when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She
began stomping on them one by one until all the COCKroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing
there watching her. To which Johnny said,"Are you going to tell her,
daddy, or do you want me to?"
#6
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity
for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the
entire
lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples
of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some
eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,
the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked
at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do
with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger."
-------------------------------------------------------
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the
lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys
are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral
and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the
horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I
was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler
slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed
that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked
the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with his penis.
Sent By:
Farshad
As father was working in his shop his son came to him
and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between 'reality'
and 'theory'."
"Well son, I'll tell you. First go ask your mother if she
would sleep with another man if he paid her 1 million
dollars." After a while the son came back.
"Well, what was her answer," asked the father.
The son replied, "She said she sure would."
"Ok , now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a
man for a million dollars."
When the son came back he gave the same reply, that she
said, "She damned sure would."
The father sat back and said, "See, that is the difference
between 'theory' and 'reality'."
After a moment of thought, the son said, "I still don't
understand, Dad."
"Well," explained his father, "it's very simple, 'in theory,'
we are living with a couple of millionaires, but in 'reality'
we are really living with a couple of sluts."
Sent By:
Balkhi (nuh)
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for
his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job,
but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he gets a
young cock and lets it loose in the barn yard.
The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks
the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He
walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new
guy in town. I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't
you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I
bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you
to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run
around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have
all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know
I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll
still win easily," said the young cockey rooster.
So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the
race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race
begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his
lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a
little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old
roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by
the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster.
By then, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He ran
into the house, got his shotgun, and ran out to the barn
yard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens.
When he got there, he saw the two roosters running
around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in
the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired,
and blew the young rooster away. He walked away
slowly, saying to himself.........
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Sent By:
Balkhi (nuh)
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
--------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
for it."
----------------------------------------------------
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I
wouldn't be here."
----------------------------------------------------
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
Sent By:
Farshad
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and
says:
7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, Turner Brown.
The small guy faints !!
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking him and asks the small "What's wrong?"
The small guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks
down and says: 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, my name Turner Brown."
The small guy says "Thank god, I thought you said, "Turn around."
Sent By:
Farshad
this guy said, my wife is an angel....
his buddy said, you are lucky, mine is alive....
Sent By:
amir turkeh
The train pulled out of Wichita, and the weary businessman was just
nodding off when a young woman in the upper berth leaned over and said
she was cold.
Flashing him a winning smile, she asked if he'd mind finding the
porter and getting her another blanket.
"Tell you what," proposed the guy.
"Why don't we pretend we're
married instead?"
"Well... okay"
"So we're married. Get your own damn blanket!"
Sent By:
Farshad
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim
Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're
always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here
to be
tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guiness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the
rocking
chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed
into it.
She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinees Stout
and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he
at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no." "No?"
"Fact
is, he
got out three times to pee."
Sent By:
Farshad
WILL WORK
FOR FOOD !
-----------------
FRANCHISES
STILL AVAILABLE
-----------------
Y E S !!! M A K E B I G $$$ (Tax Free)
W I T H Y O U R V E R Y O W N
" W i l l W o r k f o r F o o d "
F R A N C H I S E
W e s u p p l y: T h e C a r d b o a r d S i g n, T h e P r i m e L o
c a t i n,
T h e T H R I F T C l o t h i n g, a n d a S p e c i a l T a p e !
"H O W T O L O O K H O M E L E S S"
S A Y G O O D B Y E TO T H A T D E A D-E N D J O B.
C A L L T O D A Y, O P E R A T O R S A R E S T A N D I N G B Y !
J U S T D I A L 1 -8 0 0 -R I P -U O F F
NOW UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH AS A BONUS, WE WILL INCLUDE A
WOODEN CRUTCH, JUST IN CASE SOME IDIOT ASKS YOU TO DO SOME WORK !
Sent By:
Farshad
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving
along a winding road when they noticed someone at roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus
with
a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve
of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
thedriving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus
had an
accident. Only one of the passengers survived the accident.
Who was the
survivor?
The perfect man! Everyone knows the other two don't exist !!!
Farshad
Q: how come squrrils swim on there backs?
A: so they won't get there nuts wet!
Farshad
So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, and was having a
difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd
describe a stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says,"Gee
Ralph, it looks like you need more tail..."
Ralph replies "make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to fly a
kite!"
Why do blondes drive BMW's--Because they can spell it.
Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails--To cover up the valve stem.
Farshad
A man ask a Indian:
- Sir, how old are you?
- I'm dirty!
- How old is your wife?
- She's dirtyto!...
Jasem
An elderly lady is sitting in her rocking chair on her porch enjoying her golden years, when her fairy
godmother magically appears and promises to grant her two most heartfelt wishes.
"Well," the lady says, "first I would like to be 25 again." And **POOF** she is transformed into a beautiful young woman.
Just then her tabby cat walks by. The lady thinks for a moment, looks at the cat, looks at her fairy godmother and says, "Could you change him into a handsome young man?"
And, **POOF** her cat is changed into a handsome young man. The two smile at each other. He walks slowly across the porch, bends down, picks her up in his strong arms and whispers in her ear: "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
Balkhi (nuh)
<<< Long but funny! >>>
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. He
called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he
figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went
in and ordered. And before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and
putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably
safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head
of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to
remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not
to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she
was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let
go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled, and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for
the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in. She apologizing for taking so long, and asked if he had
peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she
removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise! To his shock and horror...,
there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise
birthday party.
Farshad
A cute joke, read with an Italian accent:
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say
you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better
not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga
restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I
tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you
no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on
the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call
me
sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no
shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell
me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know
the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man
at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma
bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Afshin
A guy went into a restaurant and was taken to a table by the head
waiter. As
he sat in the chair, he knocked the spoon onto the floor. The head
waiter
reached into his pocket, pulled out another spoon and placed it on the
table.
The guy asked, " How come you had the spoon in your pocket?"
The head waiter responded, " We had a resource management team come
through
and look at our jobs to suggest ways we could improve. They found that
31% of
our customers knock their spoon onto the floor. If we carry one with us,
it saves time by not having to go to the kitchen to get a clean one."
"That's a good idea," the guy said.
After finishing his meal, the guy got up to pay for his meal. As he
was
paying, he noticed that the head waiter had a piece of string hanging
from his
fly and told the waiter about it.
The head waiter acknowledged the string. "The resource management team
suggested ways to improve our jobs. They suggested that if we have a
piece
of string attached to our fly, we can pull on the string and the old
fella
will drop out. That way we haven't used our hands and we don't need to
wash them, thus saving time."
"What a great idea" says the guy.
He paid for his meal and turned to
leave
the restaurant. As he reached the door he realized that there was
something
wrong with that idea.
He turned to the head waiter and asked, "...how do
you
get your old fella back in your pants?"
" Well I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Farshad
A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on.
The
hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies "I
can't, I'll die. She proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful. Six
weeks
later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads
with her "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair look
beautiful. Once again the blonde replies "I can't, I'll die". So she
receives another awful haircut.
Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the
hairdresser
says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if
you
would just take off the headphones". "I can't, I'll die". The hairstylist
proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls asleep. The
hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and
replace before she wakes up and make her hair beautiful. Seconds after
doing
this the blonde falls off the chair. The hairdresser checked her and she
wasn't breathing. Dying to know what was keeping her alive with the
headphones on she places them on her head. The message reads "Breath in,
Breath Out - Breath In, Breath out.
Farshad
A pregnant woman told her husband "god help me if my child looked like you"
The husband said "god help you if he didn't".
Obeid
THE DR. SEUSS PURITY TEST
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.
Farshad
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So... I switched the heads."
Farshad
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself.
Trouble is, this guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT"! But this just
made the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you." and locks the bird in a
kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose
with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that
he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's
outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.
I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
chicken do?"
Farshad
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's
stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the
cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's
the hold up."
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down
in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million
dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection
for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
Farshad
A guy runs home and bursts into the house yelling "Pack your bags, Honey.
I just won the lottery!!!!"
She said "Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"
He replied "I don't care.... Just get the heck out!"
KHAKeIRAN
The blonde's husband confided to his wife that he was
having an affair. She replied, "Who is catering it?"
Farshad
New York City has hired etiquette officers for its subways. I think
it's starting to work. This morning the man who mugged me thanked me.
Farshad
here's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a
really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken
and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.
"I saw you kick those animals", his mother said, "For kicking the pig,
you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no
eggs for a week."
The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also
in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.
The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"
Farshad
What is the difference between Lion King, and O.J. Simpson ?
One is the king of the African lions, and the other is the king of the lion Africans!
ooh Calvin
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man
was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man
was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your
stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the
kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge,
took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and
poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that
was good.
The the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What
can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do
your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank
the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation
and went home on sick leave.
Farshad
Q. Why do jews circumsize?
A. Because they always like 10% off everything.
Ahmad
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
child in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
children while walking to the first tea.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's
so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two
brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock
brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large
stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that
they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is
in "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've
just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile
of
of stock certificates."
Farshad
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing
of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks
around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is
shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you
think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and
Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where
to
next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy
says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon
approaching
the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?"
The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but
after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me
all
this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Farshad
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little
girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. T
he little girl walked away and the
guy
fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police
asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on
the
beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is
I'm
here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you
do
to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him?
Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its
neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest
on fire."
Farshad
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball
off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that
doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds
a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his
ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he
stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate
it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever
since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Farshad
A woman was walking towards the bus stop when she came across a little
old man sitting on the curb, sobbing his heart out. Moved by his
grief, the woman bent over and asked him what was so terribly wrong.
"Well you see," choked the old man, "I used to be married to this
awful bitch. She was fat and ugly, never put out, the house was a
pigsty, and she spent my money like water. She wasn't even a decent
cook. My life was a horror."
The woman clucked sympathetically.
"After thirty years of living hell, she died," the old man went on
with a sob, "and I met this beautiful woman. Thirty-eight years old,
a body like Sophia Loren and face like an angel, a fabulous cook and
housekeeper, the hottest thing in bed you could possibly imagine, and
--can you believe at my age?--crazy over me! She couldn't wait to
marry me, and treats me like a prince in my own home."
"This doesn't sound so bad,"volunteered the woman, frankly puzzled.
"I'll tell you, I'm the luckiest man in the world." The old coot bent
over in a racking spasm, convulsed with sorrow.
"Well then," she asked tentatively,"what's to be so unhappy about?
Why are you crying on the street corner?"
"Because," he sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
Farshad D
The OJ Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, at anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, at any time.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!
Farshad Davachi
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all
assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance.
I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me.
An attached note read: "You are not
permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee.
Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
Afshin
Not long after the tragic incident described so well by Mr. Grall, Jean Paul
and Beaudry are fishing in some of the backwaters of the Lake. Now Beaudry
has just purchased a brand spankin new outboard motor for his boat, and he
is as proud of it as he can be.
Needless to say, when the time comes for the two friends to head back home,
the motor will not start. Frustrated as only a man with a few beers in him
can get, Beaudry pulls the starter cord harder and harder, finally disloging
the motor from its support. Horrified, the two friends watch as the beloved
outboard sinks 15 feet to the murky bottom.
"Beaudry," says Jean Paul, "we gon hafta get tha motor."
Beaudry agrees, so
the two pick a number and Beaudry loses. Shucking all but essential clothing,
by which I mean his boots and hat, Beaudry dives into the Lake, swims to the
bottom, and commences to yanking the cord on the motor in an effort to propel
it back to the surface. Jean Paul looks down at his friend, growing
increasingly agitated.
"Don tha boy know ANYthin?" Jean Paul asks himself.
Unable to contain himself any longer, Jean Paul leans over the side of the
boat and yells, "Beaudry! You have to choke it!"
Afshin
This morning [Tue, 1 Nov 94] on the Donahue Show, in an hour devoted to
viewer mail, Phil read a letter from a concerned viewer very concerned over
the show's commercial "bad timing."
Apparantly during a show about penile implants a commercial for
the Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner aired with the promo line: "The power of
an upright in the palm of your hand."
Afshin
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administratio, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses,
the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's
weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Afshin
There were two hunters sitting in a diner. One says to the other:
"I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies: "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says: "It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!"
and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says:
"How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
Afshin
PARACHUTE FOR SALE
Never opened. Small red stains. Asking $200 or best offer.
Afshin
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Little Red Riding
Hood," he said, "I'm going to throw you on the ground, tear off
all your clothes, and rape you!"
Little Red Riding Hood considered this, then removed a pistol
from her picnic basket and pointed it at the wolf levelly.
"Oh
no, you're not," she said. "You're going to eat me, just like
the story says."
Afshin
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his
destination.
He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he
could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose
happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he
settled
back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw
a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just
dozing
off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers
passing by
and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To
avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was
another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."
Afshin
Close Encounter of the "4th" Kind
------------------------------------------
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting
your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file.
As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs.
I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass
me on to someone else because I am really horny.
Afshin
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey,
coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
Afshin
Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror
as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.
The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands
together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony.
The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologizing.
"Please allow me to help," she says. "I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
Guy just moans and groans, finally is able to say, "I'll be...all
right...in a few minutes." He's still in a fetal position, clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She
begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that
feel better?"
The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, feels great. But my
goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
Afshin
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have
sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts
his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and
daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do
you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Afshin
Cinderella is all excited about going to the big ball. The day
before the ball, she gets her period. She is REALLY gushing, and she
is very upset because now she won't be able to go to the ball. Her
Fairy Godmother comes to the rescue, bringing her a magic tampon.
he tells Cinderella that the magic tampon will absorb anything, but
she must get home by midnight because it will turn into a pumpkin at
the stroke of midnight. Cinderella goes to the ball and her Fairy
Godmother waits for her at home.
Midnight comes and goes and Cinderella has not returned. 1am, then
2am pass by and still there is no sign of Cinderella. The Fairy
Godmother is frantic with worry. Finally, at 2:30am, Cinderella
comes rolling in with a big, lopsided grin on her face. Her makeup
is smudged, her hair tousled, and her clothes disheveled.
Her Fairy
Godmother asks, with a mixture of consternation and relief,
Cinderella, where have you been?"
Cinderella says, "I met this wonderful man, Peter Peter something or
other..."
Afshin
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls
down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once
again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of
these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told
me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of
*these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."
Afshin
This guy is walking through ChinaTown in New York. He is fascinated with
all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners
on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He
turns
a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". "Hans
Olaffsen?",
he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the
shop
and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks,
"How in
the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old
man
answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the
owner?".
"I am he", answers the old man.
"You? How in the heck did you ever get a name
like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this
country, I was standing in line at Immigration Office. Man in front of me
was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say 'Hans
Olaffsen.'
Next, she look at me 'What your name?' I say Saim Ting."
Afshin
How can you fit four gays on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
Afshin
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